A Beyoncé voter showing off some of her core values: tampons, lipstick and selfies.
By now, you've probably heard that a host on Fox News, that font of reason and good humor about politics -- particularly the non-white, non-straight, non-dudely variety -- recently chalked up a significant aspect of President Obama's 2012 presidential victory to what he dubbed "Beyoncé voters.
""I call them the Beyoncé vote because of 'Single Ladies,'" said Jesse Watters, referring to the (incorrect) statistic that 76 percent of single women voters leaned Democrat a few Novembers ago. "[They] depend on government because they're not depending on their husbands."
Even if Watters' statistic were true, which it, um, isn't, it wouldn't exactly be surprising. While Obama is certainly not without his flaws, he does have a habit of making a run at reproductive rights, or at least those that don't start with an "a" and end with "medical procedure often falsely equated with killing a baby." In terms of birth control itself, though, he's done a pretty decent job of trying to make sure it's covered under the Affordable Care Act. (Of course, that was before the Supreme Court got involved, but that's a rage-cry for another piece.)
So it makes sense that single women recognized which 2012 presidential candidate was more likely to stick up for their ability to prevent endometriosis, clear up their skin or -- most terrifyingly to Republican politicians -- bang without making a baby. Like, congratulations, Fox News, you also noticed that the orangutans didn't side with the palm oil lobby.
Those deductive skills are definitely what bring the advertisers back year after year.You know what, though, I do still have some concerns. Even though it's pretty clear to me that Watters was trying to trivialize the valid health concerns of millions of women by equating them to a powerful, talented artist, what's going to happen the next time Fox News wants to write off a whole group of voters in a hilariously inept fashion? They already implied that Beyoncé has brainwashed her fans into bringing about the downfall of These United States by prioritizing their sexual independence and reproductive safety -- what about when some future horde of well-informed, passionate people manages to swing an election?
Don't worry too much, though, pundits. The Beyoncé catalog extends far beyond a radio single from 2009. Next time you want to misuse Queen B as a handy shortcut for a branch of political advocacy that personally terrifies you, just check out this convenient guide to the other causes you could blame her for. I've even included an interpretation of the assertions she's making or examples she's setting, in case you get confused by all the sick beats:
Cause: Marriage Equality
Song: If I Were a Boy
Lyrics of Note: "I could understand how it feels to love a girl / I swear I'd be a better man."
Save Our Children: Beyoncé informs the listener that regardless of gender, everyone deserves to aspire to marry Beyoncé.
Cause: Climate Change
Song: Drunk in Love
Lyrics of Note: "Fill the tub up halfway, then ride it with my surfboard."
Save Our Children: In the dystopian, post-ice-cap-melt future Beyoncé forecasts, we will all be forced by the rising sea levels to trade in our American-made vehicles for German-manufactured "surfborts." The "tub" in this scenario is lower Manhattan, mostly underwater.
Cause: Genetically Modified Organisms
Song: Partition
Lyrics of Note: "He like to call me Peaches when we get this nasty."
Save Our Children: Given that the agricultural industry is one of the most innovative sectors when it comes to genetic modification, Beyoncé is making a moral judgment about the production of non-organic fruits.
Cause: Net Neutrality
Song: Yoncé
Lyrics of Note: "I'm on Instagram, cake by the pound / Circulate the image every time I come around."
Save Our Children: Here, Beyoncé implies that if the Federal Communications Commission fails to protect net neutrality, our formerly egalitarian social media will be transformed into a platform where users are charged a variable rate ("cake") based on their social "weight."
Cause: Deforestation
Song: Love on Top
Lyrics of Note: "I can see the stars all the way from here / Can't you see the glow on the window pane?"
Save Our Children: As human development expands, pollution is making it increasingly hard to see the heavenly bodies from many urban centers. This displeases Beyoncé.
Cause: Anti-fracking
Song: Halo
Lyrics of Note: "Hit me like a ray of light / Burning through our darkest night / You're the only one that I want / I'm addicted to your light"
Save Our Children: Beyoncé argues that instead of relying on natural gas extracted through controversial means from shale deposits, we should transition to using solar energy as a primary resource.
Cause: Factory Farming
Song: XO
Lyrics of Note: "You love me like XO / You kill me like XO"
Save Our Children: The "x" in this ballad clearly stands for "domesticated pets," while the "o" symbolizes "livestock." Beyoncé pointedly equates them, highlighting the arbitrary lines we draw between our beloved cats and dogs and the pigs, chicken and cows whose cruel slaughterhouse treatment we ignore.
Cause: Wildlife Conservation
Song: Irreplaceable
Lyrics of Note: "I can have another you in a minute / Matter of fact, he'll be here in a minute."
Save Our Children: Beyoncé satirically mocks the attitude of those who believe that there is no need to enact protections for elephants, rhinos, tigers and the like, given that another of their kind will be on earth "in a minute." In reality, she suggests with the song's title, these species are "irreplaceable."
Cause: Labor Rights
Song: Run the World (Girls)
Lyrics of Note: "You can't hold me / Work my 9-to-5, better cut my check."
Save Our Children: As the move to raise the minimum wage to $15 ignites many workers around the nation, Beyoncé stands against salary theft by indicating that she (and everyone else) deserves to be fully paid for every hour on the job.
Cause: Beyoncé for President 2016
Song: Flawless
Lyrics of Note: "This my shit, bow down bitches / Bow down bitches / Bow bow down bitches / Bow down bitches / Bow bow down bitches"
Save Our Children: Beyoncé is coming for us all.
Kate is organizing for a Knowles/Knowles run to the White House at @katchatters.